I finally made the call!

I feel like I need to write somewhere to get some thoughts out of my head and this should be a good place.....
I have finally done it. I called a doctor. I am honestly proud of myself.
Was so nervous when I called that they would tell me that I'm just imagining this and that I should continue doing what I have been doing. But the nurse who answered listened to everything I told her and she had some opinions but they were honest and good. She booked a time for me to see a doctor last Friday.

So I went there Friday morning and I was so nervous that I couldn't sit still. I thank god for Twitter and other apps on my iPhone :)
The doctor who saw me listened carefully while the tears were running down my chins and I made a decent try to explain why I am feeling the way I do. He wrote down some of the things that I told him. And he understood! He understood why I am feeling the way I do. What a relief!

This is not something that has come up the last couple of months. This goes back to where I was a little child. I have some very important issues to deal with and the doctor said that it was good that I called him. He is going to send me to a psychologist. Don't know when I get my first appointment but I hope it's soon. I want to get out of this bad circle that I'm in. I can't get out of it. I need help.

I'm going to see this doctor in a couple of weeks again. He gave me something to think about.

Anti-depressive medicin.

Wow! I never ever thought that I would eat those. But I am willing to do ANYTHING to make myself better. Anything!
For as of now...I honestly hate myself. Because I am not me anymore.

Love,
M

Happy new year!

Happy new year to the ones who reads this! I am so ready for it to be a new year :)

I am convincing myself that it will be my year. It is my time now...
Love,
M

I need help....

I really suck at this blogthing...but today I felt like that I maybe should write something so I can get some stuff out. Maybe its way too personal but I feel like I need to get it off my chest!

Some of you may know that I have been dealing with some stuff and that I have been feeling down for a really long time now. I have come to realize that I may not be able to handle this all by myself anymore. I have come to the point that I am starting to ask questions that you should not ask yourself!

Why am I getting out of bed in the morning?
Why am I working and making money when I spend it on only myself?
Why do I clean my apartment when there is only me who is gonna see it?
Why do all sorts of crap? What is the point? What is the point with my life?

I want to make sure that I am not thinking about ending anything but I have come to realize that I need to go and talk to someone. I need help. I want to be thinking more positive thoughts.
I have good days but that is pretty much it as for now. I do not like myself at all like this. Sad, grumpy and irritated at everything. I used to be happy!

I always think that when somethings happen to me its gonna be the worst outcome possible. Noone can like me. Or did someone say something nice to me just to be nice? I really hate being this negative about myself. Why can't I like myself? Love myself?
I thank god for my friends on Twitter. I have no clue how I would feel right now if it werent for them. They often make me smile and forget for a little while how much my real life really sucks.

I have a lot of acquaintances and friends - way more that a lot of people have. But I do not have anyone really really close to me, I honestly think that I have never had a single person in my life that I can trust with everything. Maybe my sister Ingela, she knows me pretty well and supports me but she has her own life to take care of and I do not want to put my problems on her all the time. Of course I have friends that I could talk to about this but I do not want to be a burden to anyone. I talk a lot as it is.

About a month ago I started to talk to a guy on Twitter that I really opened up to and told things that not a single soul knows about me. I am still surprised that I did that. Cause I thought that I had closed the doors pretty good. Maybe it is a sign that I feel comfortable talking to him? And that a beautiful friendship is about to begin? I really hope so.

So as soon as I can manage to call the doctor I will. It is a very hard step to take but at least I have come to realize that I need someone to help me to get out of this. I want to be happy for more that a day at a time. I want to be excited to see what life will bring me today. And tomorrow.

Love,
M

It has been a while...

Wow....where to begin?!
I have had some fun lately! I got to play a celebtourney about a month ago. I am still on clouds for that one. Won a terrific camera, I love it! And got to play golf with some awesome peeps. Love that about golf. I still can´t belive it happened. And Anton who I played golf with plays drums in a band with Ryan Roxie, former guitarrist with Alice Cooper and they performed the weekend after so I went and they are awesome. I really hope that they get their big break soon. Roxie is an amazing entertainer!! And I just ordered a gift for Anton as a thank you for taking me to the tournament! Will be a memory for the rest of my life! And I will never forget Darko´s arms...yum! LOL!

I have started to work out on a regular basis. I know that some people that I used to know would be surprised right now since they practictly forced me to work out but I didn´t want to at all. But now that it is my choice I feel good about it. What pushed me over the edge was seeing me in some photos and I put myself on a scale....ouch! And now a old dear friend of mine has moved to town and that helps too and we go together at least three times a week! My goal is to loose about 30 pounds in the end. The scale is still on the same but I have gained muscles now in the beginning so its probably because of that. I have quit drinking sodas, hardly eating candy or anything else like that. I eat a great breakfast every day and two other meals. And I eat some fruit when I feel like I want candy or a soda. Wow for being me! So hopefully I will loose some soon...
But today was a great day at the gym. I could do pushups. I really suck at doing it but today I managed. My friend Lina saw that and was happy about it as well. Thinks she likes having someone to work out with too!

This weekend I am going to London with my brother. I cannot wait!!! Shopping and shopping is on the list ;) And October 23rd me, him and our mother are going to Spain for a week. Will feel soooo good. And when I come home I have to save up some money for Dubai!! We are going with with work in February.

I am pretty tired tonight so I will go to bed...promised myself to go to bed before 10 and its 10:20....so off I go!

Love,
M

Friday night

Wow...two nights in a row? Thats a record! :)

I have had a ME-day today and it has been great. Tomorrow I am going to a party tomorrow. I really really need it. I have been inside almost all my vacation and that has been very depressing!
The hairdye-story took a lot of strength from me...both mentally and psychially!

Hope you are doing good...if somebody reads this lol

Love,
M

I loved seeing Mötley Crüe!

It was the best so far in my life - musicwise! And it was 46000 there watching so the mood in the crowd was amazing! Everybody that knows me, knows that I have a little thing for Sixx...but I have started to spread my wings a little...to Tommy Lee haha!! He has done some great music! And I even preordered his new Methods of Mayhem album yesterday! :)

I know I havent blogged in forever but there is not much to say about my life....cause its pretty much boring! But in the future I have this to look forward to:

London - England
Mas Palomas - Spain
Getting my next Sixx tattoo
Dubai - kick-off with work!!!

So some stuff is about to happen. But after these trips I will not do anything for a long time...need to save up some money!!! :)

Its very late now so I need to go to bed.

Love,
M

Pics

Here is some pics from yesterday. Me and Jimmy on the first!
Me and the hostess Lina in the middle pic and finally me and Edgardo
on the last one!

Love,
M