My life with my favorites - golf and music!

I finally made the call!

2011-01-24T19:22:00.003+01:00

I feel like I need to write somewhere to get some thoughts out of my head and this should be a good place.....
I have finally done it. I called a doctor. I am honestly proud of myself.
Was so nervous when I called that they would tell me that I'm just imagining this and that I should continue doing what I have been doing. But the nurse who answered listened to everything I told her and she had some opinions but they were honest and good. She booked a time for me to see a doctor last Friday.

So I went there Friday morning and I was so nervous that I couldn't sit still. I thank god for Twitter and other apps on my iPhone :)
The doctor who saw me listened carefully while the tears were running down my chins and I made a decent try to explain why I am feeling the way I do. He wrote down some of the things that I told him. And he understood! He understood why I am feeling the way I do. What a relief!

This is not something that has come up the last couple of months. This goes back to where I was a little child. I have some very important issues to deal with and the doctor said that it was good that I called him. He is going to send me to a psychologist. Don't know when I get my first appointment but I hope it's soon. I want to get out of this bad circle that I'm in. I can't get out of it. I need help.

I'm going to see this doctor in a couple of weeks again. He gave me something to think about.

Anti-depressive medicin.

Wow! I never ever thought that I would eat those. But I am willing to do ANYTHING to make myself better. Anything!
For as of now...I honestly hate myself. Because I am not me anymore.

Love,
M

Happy new year!

2010-12-31T21:22:00.003+01:00

Happy new year to the ones who reads this! I am so ready for it to be a new year :)

I am convincing myself that it will be my year. It is my time now...
Love,
M

I need help....

2010-12-15T21:04:00.005+01:00

I really suck at this blogthing...but today I felt like that I maybe should write something so I can get some stuff out. Maybe its way too personal but I feel like I need to get it off my chest!

Some of you may know that I have been dealing with some stuff and that I have been feeling down for a really long time now. I have come to realize that I may not be able to handle this all by myself anymore. I have come to the point that I am starting to ask questions that you should not ask yourself!

Why am I getting out of bed in the morning?
Why am I working and making money when I spend it on only myself?
Why do I clean my apartment when there is only me who is gonna see it?
Why do all sorts of crap? What is the point? What is the point with my life?

I want to make sure that I am not thinking about ending anything but I have come to realize that I need to go and talk to someone. I need help. I want to be thinking more positive thoughts.
I have good days but that is pretty much it as for now. I do not like myself at all like this. Sad, grumpy and irritated at everything. I used to be happy!

I always think that when somethings happen to me its gonna be the worst outcome possible. Noone can like me. Or did someone say something nice to me just to be nice? I really hate being this negative about myself. Why can't I like myself? Love myself?
I thank god for my friends on Twitter. I have no clue how I would feel right now if it werent for them. They often make me smile and forget for a little while how much my real life really sucks.

I have a lot of acquaintances and friends - way more that a lot of people have. But I do not have anyone really really close to me, I honestly think that I have never had a single person in my life that I can trust with everything. Maybe my sister Ingela, she knows me pretty well and supports me but she has her own life to take care of and I do not want to put my problems on her all the time. Of course I have friends that I could talk to about this but I do not want to be a burden to anyone. I talk a lot as it is.

About a month ago I started to talk to a guy on Twitter that I really opened up to and told things that not a single soul knows about me. I am still surprised that I did that. Cause I thought that I had closed the doors pretty good. Maybe it is a sign that I feel comfortable talking to him? And that a beautiful friendship is about to begin? I really hope so.

So as soon as I can manage to call the doctor I will. It is a very hard step to take but at least I have come to realize that I need someone to help me to get out of this. I want to be happy for more that a day at a time. I want to be excited to see what life will bring me today. And tomorrow.

Love,
M

It has been a while...

2010-09-28T22:09:00.003+02:00

Wow....where to begin?!
I have had some fun lately! I got to play a celebtourney about a month ago. I am still on clouds for that one. Won a terrific camera, I love it! And got to play golf with some awesome peeps. Love that about golf. I still can´t belive it happened. And Anton who I played golf with plays drums in a band with Ryan Roxie, former guitarrist with Alice Cooper and they performed the weekend after so I went and they are awesome. I really hope that they get their big break soon. Roxie is an amazing entertainer!! And I just ordered a gift for Anton as a thank you for taking me to the tournament! Will be a memory for the rest of my life! And I will never forget Darko´s arms...yum! LOL!

I have started to work out on a regular basis. I know that some people that I used to know would be surprised right now since they practictly forced me to work out but I didn´t want to at all. But now that it is my choice I feel good about it. What pushed me over the edge was seeing me in some photos and I put myself on a scale....ouch! And now a old dear friend of mine has moved to town and that helps too and we go together at least three times a week! My goal is to loose about 30 pounds in the end. The scale is still on the same but I have gained muscles now in the beginning so its probably because of that. I have quit drinking sodas, hardly eating candy or anything else like that. I eat a great breakfast every day and two other meals. And I eat some fruit when I feel like I want candy or a soda. Wow for being me! So hopefully I will loose some soon...
But today was a great day at the gym. I could do pushups. I really suck at doing it but today I managed. My friend Lina saw that and was happy about it as well. Thinks she likes having someone to work out with too!

This weekend I am going to London with my brother. I cannot wait!!! Shopping and shopping is on the list ;) And October 23rd me, him and our mother are going to Spain for a week. Will feel soooo good. And when I come home I have to save up some money for Dubai!! We are going with with work in February.

I am pretty tired tonight so I will go to bed...promised myself to go to bed before 10 and its 10:20....so off I go!

Love,
M

Friday night

2010-08-13T22:20:00.002+02:00

Wow...two nights in a row? Thats a record! :)

I have had a ME-day today and it has been great. Tomorrow I am going to a party tomorrow. I really really need it. I have been inside almost all my vacation and that has been very depressing!
The hairdye-story took a lot of strength from me...both mentally and psychially!

Hope you are doing good...if somebody reads this lol

Love,
M

I loved seeing Mötley Crüe!

2010-08-13T01:07:00.002+02:00

It was the best so far in my life - musicwise! And it was 46000 there watching so the mood in the crowd was amazing! Everybody that knows me, knows that I have a little thing for Sixx...but I have started to spread my wings a little...to Tommy Lee haha!! He has done some great music! And I even preordered his new Methods of Mayhem album yesterday! :)

I know I havent blogged in forever but there is not much to say about my life....cause its pretty much boring! But in the future I have this to look forward to:

London - England
Mas Palomas - Spain
Getting my next Sixx tattoo
Dubai - kick-off with work!!!

So some stuff is about to happen. But after these trips I will not do anything for a long time...need to save up some money!!! :)

Its very late now so I need to go to bed.

Love,
M

Pics

2010-05-23T18:44:00.000+02:00

Here is some pics from yesterday. Me and Jimmy on the first!
Me and the hostess Lina in the middle pic and finally me and Edgardo
on the last one!

Love,
M

Long time no see!

2010-05-23T18:41:00.001+02:00

Hi!

I know I've been absent lately. So much stuff has been going on! I've
finally moved and that is the best decision I have ever made! My new
job is great, a little uncertain on what I'm supposed to do, but
really great. My coworkers are awesome!

Yesterday I attended this reunion party. God it was so much fun to see
everybody again! Especially two guys. Jimmy and Edgardo!

Jimmy and I had a really complicated relationship back then. We even
went to a councelor to work things out! Yesterday he told me that
everything started because he had a crush on me and didn't know how to
act. Wow! Jimmy has turned out great and he looked like he was doing
good :-)

Edgardo. Hmm yes that was probably the first boy I really liked and he
liked me back. We kind of dated for a while and later we drifted apart
because I play so much golf and he didn't. I've always felt bad about
it but he didn't remember it like I did. We had a long nice talk and
that felt pretty good. He has two children and another one on the way.
So happy for him!

As I always do, I cried the whole way home when mom picked me up. Once
again I was reminded of how far away I am from building a family.

Going home to cook dinner now!

Love,
M

Phone call

2010-04-19T20:42:00.003+02:00

I got a phonecall today and it was a secret number...I of course answered and this was the conversation:

Lady: Hi. I am calling from the hospital regarding your husband.
Me: Say what? My husband?? (I started to laugh out loud and got myself together after a while and continued) I don't have a husband. I am not married.
Lady: You're not? So what is the name of the guy you are living with?
Me: I am as single as you possibly can be so I do not know what you are talking about.
Lady: I am calling about F? (my question is, why did she say that she was calling about my husband then?? Thought about this afterwards)
Me: Ah that is my ex:s little girl, we split up 2,5 years ago!
Lady: Oh but maybe I can ask you question about your daughter then?
Me: It is not my child, F:s mom is V and her father is S! So you can call them. I just went to the doctor with her one time and that is probably why you got my number there.
Lady: Oh I am so sorry. Maybe I should erase this number then??
Me: Sounds like a plan to me.
Lady: So sorry for disturbing you!

Soooo funny! I laughed soo much about this! I bet she was embarrassed :-)

Time for shower and sleeep. 12 hour day tomorrow at work - Girls night from 7-9pm! Will be soo much fun! 91 had signed up for it when I checked this morning!!

Love,
M

Poem!

2010-04-18T21:18:00.002+02:00

Got this poem written for me today. Got tears in my eyes. My first poem dedicated to me. I am so honored! Thank you Graham!! :)

Maria, for you I will write
A poem about a special Knight
Who waits for you, who knows where
But restassured he's waiting there
His love for you will be unabounded
A love so true you'll be astounded
When he goes down on bended knee
And asks 'Maria, please marry me!'
Forever together, hand in hand
You will finally understand
That true love isn't really rare
For it was always waiting there.......for YOU.

FYI

2010-04-18T19:58:00.001+02:00

.....I am in serious need of making out. I need to kiss someone. I miss that so incredibly much....

I feel...

2010-04-18T18:34:00.002+02:00

I feel stupid. I used to have a boyfriend, J, for over seven years. It turned out very ugly at the end and we have today no contact what so ever. And this weekend his sister had a party and she posted some pics from it. I looked through them and saw some old friends and that was fun. A little bit later I looked through them again - and I had missed that my ex was in one of the pics. I did NOT recognize him!! He was a huge part of my life (hmm my whole life...) for over seven years and six years later I can't see that it is him. Of course I can see that it is him now but he has changed a bit. He looks bigger and his posture was different. I don't know.

And now I can not stop thinking about him...why? We had some fun times together and I will treasure that for the rest of my life but mostly we were fighting and I was miserable that I couldnt be that girl he wanted me to be. I was desperately trying to act the way he wanted. Dress the way he wanted. Do whatever he thought I should do.
I miss his family. His sister is the best! And her children...they did'nt recognize me when I met them about two years ago. That broke my heart. That is the worst about breaking up with someone...that I have lost contact with so many great people.

J forbid me to have contact with his family when we broke up. I think he did'nt want me to tell his family how he had treated me. And about 2 years ago his sister contacted me and she said: just becuse you and my brother broke up did'nt mean that you and I couldnt be friends anymore?! I had no good answer....
And his parents came up to me at work and bought some stuff and I said that it felt strange meeting them again, they said: Well we have forgotten all about that now... Saywhat??!! What did he tell them?

But mostly of all I remember J:s grandmother. She went in to a hospital and was very sick. She NEEDED her slippers so she called ME a sunday morning at 7 am and said that she needed them. She was almost crying. I put some clothes on and went to her home and picked them up and went to the hospital and spent a few hours talking to her. I really loved her and she loved me. She was crying that I was the one coming to her resque but she was grateful for it. This was just before our breakup and she died shortly after that. J did'nt want me to have anything to do with his family so I did'nt attend to the funeral. I think of her from time to time. I really miss her. I hope I get to meet her one day!

Love,
M

Happy

2010-04-17T14:12:00.005+02:00

I'm in a great mood today! Haven't slept that much but I have had such cute customers at work today that have made my day so much better!!

Can't wait til I get home and watch some golf. Eat some candy and log on to Twitter ;-) what would I do without my friends in cyberspace?! Eye. Heart. You!

Love,
M

2 weeks!

2010-04-17T00:29:00.002+02:00

It's only two weeks until I'm moving! Packed so much that I can pack...I'm ready!
Working 5 days now and then I head home towards my parents and stay there for 4 days... After that I only got 4 days to work! My boss visited Thursday and we talked about my new position. Can't wait til I start! Can't wait to decorate my apartment!!

And last: congratulations Anna on your victory of the LPGA event The Mojo 6!! I knew it!! So very very proud of you!!

Love,
M

Proud of myself!

2010-04-11T23:44:00.002+02:00

I changed my tires on my car today - all by myself! I feel pretty good about it haha and I went and washed him off as well and tomorrow after work I will vaccum him too. Nice to have a clean and nice car!
Watching the golf...don't think I will stay up the whole time and it seems like Mickelson will take this home :)

Love,
M

Tiger

2010-04-11T17:07:00.003+02:00

Have I also mentioned that I love Tiger?? Love the comment after: I don't think he is pleased. Say what?! LOL

Just had a little powernap so I have the strength to watch the last round tonight...I am so excited!

Love,
M

3 weeks to go...

2010-04-11T12:31:00.004+02:00

Yesterday I was out with work and had some dinner. It's was nice and calm.
Finally, it's only 3 weeks until I take my stuff and move down to Örebro. It will be a new start of the rest of my life.

So now I am lying on my couch and watching yesterdays round of the Masters. OMG Phil Mickelson played hole 13-15 amazing. Go to Masters website and have a look at the highlights from these holes! I can not wait until I get to unwrap my new golfclubs and hit them for the first time! It is still a little bit of snow where I live and I have a lot to do before I move...

Going to grab something to eat and return to the golf. Who do you think will win?

I love Lee Westwood and I have done that for many many years. And I am loving the pressconferences with him this tournament, he is very calm and seems very confident about his game. Love that he answers that he can only play according to his game plan and do the best as he can and see where that will lead to and that he can't do anything about what the others do when they asked him what he thinks will be the winning score on Sunday...

Another question that was asked after the second round, borrowed from Masters website:

You mentioned earlier in the week and people have been talking about the English renaissance in golf and Ian won the Match Play, and you've had I think a third place last year, a couple near‑misses in majors. Is this a verification of that so far in this tournament?

Lee's answer: Well, yeah, if you needed verification, if you had not bothered to look at the World Rankings and seen how many English players were up there, and three in the Top‑10; we're not up at the top of the World Rankings by mistake, you know. We ought to be contending in these major championships in these biggest events where the best players should contend.

I love you Lee ;)

BUT...I honestly did not think that he would be this close to winning his first Major at Augusta...I thought it would be the British Open! My money this time was on Tiger Woods...
Time will tell!

Love,
M

Disappointed!

2010-04-04T22:32:00.003+02:00

I am so disappointed! I booked a trip to San Francisco in December to see someone in June. Well that plan changed and I am starting a new job May 1st so I can't go...and I can NOT change my ticket at all!!! I am sooo sad and disappointed :(

So there goes a 1000 bucks...just what I needed...when is my luck going to change when it is regarding money?!

F**K!!!

Worksop!

2010-04-02T21:31:00.004+02:00

I had the funniest conversation with Julian today! He was out driving and we were talking about what has been going on in our lives and he said that he was in Worksop, which is the home of one of my favorites Lee Westwood, looking for a Halifax bank and he could not for his life find it. So I googled where the bank was and I gave him directions and he found it. Too funny!

He still says that he is going to visit me in May. I will believe that when he walks out of the airport! Oh well, it was very nice to talk to him and I laughed a lot. I like laughing. I gave him some mean comments and he said that he deserves that and that he knows that it would take a lot for me to forgive him for all the pain he put me through last year! And to make up for it he wants to treat me over to Scotland sometime! Hmm would I like to go to Scotland and go to S:t Andrews again? Let me think...hell yeah! ;)

Well I think I will try to go to bed and get some sleep since I hardly had any last night...I cheated and had a Coca cola. I had not had one for months and the caffeine struck me really bad and I could not sleep until 2 am I think! That just reminded me that I need to stay off that stuff ;)

Take care everybody and happy easter!

Love,
M

Motivation

2010-03-31T22:45:00.003+02:00

It has been a weird day. I LOVE my work and have the best bosses ever - you who reads this know this, right? But some days, especially now when I know I have a new position coming up in a month, I just want to stay in bed and do nothing ;-) I am wondering where my motivation is now? Is it already in my new town? Oh I need to straighten things out with my move so everything is set up..tomorrow is April 1st...one month left...scary but oh so much fun!

I am one happy girl!

Im going to bed now. Very tired - surprising huh?

Love,
M

Tired!

2010-03-30T20:35:00.004+02:00

I have been sleeping weird lately! Waking up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep directly so when my alarm goes off I am so crazy tired that I have problem getting out of bed! I need my sleep when I have so many days straight at work.

Today I got two DVD:s in my mail. Two with Mötley Crüe, they are awesome! Ordered Crüe fest 2, too but apparently it's not available here until the fall..so that will arrive later I guess...I am watching one now and I will have something to eat and go to bed.

Hope everybody is doing great! Talk soon!

Love,
M

Monday

2010-03-29T22:10:00.003+02:00

Had an ok day...but started off weird. I went out saturday and I was hungover all Sunday and when I woke up this morning I was still feeling sick. No headache though, I get those very rarely (thank god).
Spoke to my friend Anna on Skype today and gave her the bad news that I can't go to US in June and see her play :( I just don't have the money and I have just started a new job then! So my vacation this year will be here at home in Sweden. Think my economy will like that ;)

Going to bed now, no reason to lack on sleep when I have 8 out of 9 days straight days to work left...

Love,
M

Ask me anything you want to know...

2010-03-28T21:55:00.001+02:00

http://formspring.me/bRosannrosan

Have fun!

Love,
M

Going to bed!

2010-03-28T03:09:00.002+02:00

I am home. Had a great night....sooo happy that I went out...but now I need to sleep!

Love you all!!!!

Love,
M

Im having fun

2010-03-27T19:07:00.000+01:00

So happy that ðsa invited me out! Already feeling a buzz lol

Love,
M

Dinner!

2010-03-27T17:35:00.002+01:00

Sipping on a glass of wine and I'm about to be picked up by a friend and we are going to have dinner and some wine. Isn't life ironic...I find a friend when I am about to move away from this hole...hmm! But I don't regret my decision in any way. Oh no! I will be soo happy closer to my family, my friends and especially my goddaughter Line....god I miss her!!!

I am listening to some Sixx:A.M. to get into the mood to go outside my apartment! I hope you few people who reads this are having a great saturday. I sure am :-)

Love,
M

Drooling pause!

2010-03-27T12:47:00.003+01:00

I'm in the middle of packing stuff but I needed to take a break and look at my computer...and found this picture of Sixx.

I LOVE the fact that he is getting hotter and hotter! I know that this is an old pic...but still! Yumm! And he has the sexiest girlfriend ever...perfect match if you ask me!

Love,

Breakfast!

2010-03-27T11:10:00.000+01:00

Time to get ready for a busy day - of packing and drinking wine ;-)

Love,
M

Kickstart my heart - Mötley Crüe

2010-03-26T23:11:00.003+01:00

When I get high, I get high on speed.
Top fuel funny car's, a drug for me.
My heart, my heart, kickstart my heart

Always got the cops, coming after me
Custom built bike, doing 103
My heart, my heart, kickstart my heart

Ooh, are you ready girls?
Ooh, are you ready now?

Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, give it a start
Ooh, yeah, baby
Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, hope it never stops
Ooh, yeah, baby

Skydive naked, from an aeroplane
Or a lady with a body from outerspace
My heart, my heart, kickstart my heart

Say I got trouble, trouble in my eyes
I'm just looking for another good time
My heart, my heart, kickstart my heart

Yeah, are you ready girls?
Yeah, are you ready now?

Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, give it a start
Ooh, yeah, baby
Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, hope it never stops
Ooh, yeah, baby, kickstart my heart

When we started this band, all we needed, needed was a laugh
Years gone by I'd say we've kicked some ass
When I'm enraged or hittin' the stage
Adrenaline rushing through my veins
And I'd say we're still kickin' ass

Ooo, ahh kickstart my heart, hope it never stops
And to think, we did it all of this to rock
Ooh, yeah kickstart my heart, give it a start
Ooh, yeah, baby
Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, hope it never stops
Ooh, yeah, baby
Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, hope it never stops
Ooh, yeah, baby
Ooh, yeah, kickstart my heart, give it a start
Ooh, yeah
Ok boys lets rock the house

Thats all!

Lyrics and music by the one and only: Mr Nikki "The fruit loop" Sixx

Love,
M

Babies!

2010-03-26T21:10:00.004+01:00

I feel like I am behind...my niece got a baby today! Congratulations Sanna to your daughter!! And totally my nieces and nephews have given born to SEVEN babies now! I have seven siblings, totally eightteen (I think...lost the count there) nieces and nephews and now seven "great" nieces and nephews! OMG!!

This could make me thinking of things I should'nt think....so I wont do that! ;-)

Very tired today - it will be awesome to have the weekend off to recharge a bit!

Later freaks!

Love,
M

Can't sleep

2010-03-26T01:56:00.001+01:00

It's 2 pm...slept about 5 hours and woke up for some reason and I
can't get back to sleep :-(
I will try now again to get back to sleep...I'm yawning all the time.

I miss my family!! <3

Love,
M

Funny!

2010-03-25T20:06:00.000+01:00

I loved this store...could have spent forever in here I think! Bought
a love sign that I have had in my kitchen, love it. Makes me smile
when I see it. I'm a hopeless romantic. Always have and always will!
Anyway...I just had to take a pic of the opening hours...I thought it
was sooo funny that they needed an explanation why they're closed on
Sundays! Wow!

Today have been pretty calm but got a lot done with teaching the guy
that's taking over after me! He is great and will make an awesome
storemanager!

It's only 8pm but I got a long day ahead of me tomorrow so I think I
will go to bed and read my book and sleeeeeep.

Love,
M

One more thing..

2010-03-24T22:02:00.003+01:00

Just got a phonecall. From a guy I dated a year ago (he was an excellent kisser). He called to hear my voice and told me that he misses me. I started to cry...not so he could hear of course. I don't know why. I know that we could never work - since I always fall for guys that has a huge load of baggage or just wants me for one thing, I know this. This guy has a big load of baggage and lives in England...yes I am talking about Pingboy haha! But he hurt me in so many ways I didn't think was possible.

But it was nice to hear someone saying that he misses me. Just the wrong person who called.

Love,
M

Goodnight

2010-03-24T21:06:00.005+01:00

Im home watching one of my favorite shows, Greys Anatomy before I go to sleep! Love that show!

Today I have been really productive and it feels great! Packed five boxes with stuff that I don't need my last month up here. Will be around 2-3 more boxes with cups and glasses this weekend. Then I have to do the rest the last week. I am SO happy that I have booked cleaning of the apartment from a firm!! Just pack all my stuff and leave - yeah!

Saying goodnight with a great picture - I love kissing...especially when the guy is great at it! They are hard to find ;-)

Love,
M

I want summer...now!

2010-03-24T14:15:00.003+01:00

I want to play golf! I want to use my new clubs!! But look at my foot...is it strange that I have such pain in it when I can bend it like that??
Love,

Just for you Elin!

2010-03-24T13:40:00.002+01:00

My best friend loves this guy! He was on a soapopera here in Sweden a couple of years ago and I met him when he was guest dj:ing back where my parents live. So this one is for you Elin ;-)
I had an awesome night with my little brother! Can't wait to go out with him again :-)

The text...

2010-03-24T11:38:00.000+01:00

I wrote this text with my last post but obviously I did something wrong but here it is:

I got this CD from a very dear friend of mine! LOVE it, thanks! It's signed by Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars - yeah!

Still in bed, will not use my computer until I've packed some boxes. I'm going to be ready when the moving day comes! And I'm gonna try to throw away some unneccesary stuff!!

Well of to eat some brunch and start packing!

Love,
M

CD

2010-03-24T11:33:00.000+01:00

Sixxsense

2010-03-24T01:44:00.007+01:00

I got my collection of tees posted at Sixxsense's site. Been collecting forever :)
First time I am listening to the show live. I love it...but man it's a lot of music when I'm used to listening to Sixxcrow's edited versions!

Love,
M

Tattoos...

2010-03-23T23:51:00.008+01:00

I have gotten to learn this guy recently who has A LOT of tattoos, we have become good friends and I went to see when he got a tattoo (took some photos, but will not post one because he was in a lot of pain lol). It was so much fun because I've never seen anyone gotten one before. He did a big bird on his chest down on his stomach, turned out very nice but it's not finished yet, so it will be awesome when it's done. I wonder if he will come and look at me when I am doing mine and return my favor of laughing at him when he was in pain? I most certainly think so!

I don't know where I have gotten my obsession with tattoos from?! I grew up with a mother who HATES tattoos...and she will freak out if/when she sees mine! I remember when I was in a room with two guys who are inked almost everywhere and I have never been so quiet - I was just staring at them both. Weird!

Here is a pic that I stole from James A Michaels facebook page - yum!

Love,

English...

2010-03-23T23:09:00.003+01:00

Now everything is in English on my site...finally found where to switch the language on everything! I thought that I had all my settings on English but now it's all good!

I just remembered that I can post entrys with my phone...so I will defo post more from now on. I have gotten the urge back to blog all of a sudden - don't know why!

Love,
M

I'm back again!

2010-03-23T21:50:00.001+01:00

I've been bad again and not posted a blogpost in a while. As you can tell of my last entry I have been fighting with some demons lately. It's getting better though!

It's only 38 days until I move down south which feels great. I have found an apartment that I am going to love living in. Can't wait to get all my stuff up and decorate it! Have bought two big pictures with Nikki Sixx that I will frame and put up. And of course my Anna Nordqvist and Bubba Watson pictures will be neatly up on my wall....what a collection...haha!

I have decided that I am going to get my first tattoo! Finally! I'm going to do a picture of Nikki Sixx and the words: Open your eyes, life is beautiful. Sixx:A.M. Can't wait! Will have it on my upper back and will do it in the end of April. So at the moment life is pretty good. I'm lucky to have such great friends! Have gotten some new ones lately and I treasure them a lot!

I have also gotten new golfclubs! A cobra S2 driver & fw3 and the S2 forged irons - can't wait to hit them outside...in May!! It's still snow here where I live so I can't hit them now....but they are looking great in my bag here ;-)

Will continue my day off here and I will be back sooner this time...I have promised Father Wizard to write more often and I am a girl who keeps my promises!

Love,
M

Depressed?!

2010-02-21T17:44:00.001+01:00

Today I am having one of these days when Im thinking a lot. Way too much...

Im very happy about that I am going to move (cause that is the only thing I have to look forward to in my life) but right now....Im having these thoughts....am I happy with who I am, what I have done, what I have become? What is the purpose of my life? Will I ever meet someone and create a family? Deep I know.
I need to find a meaning of why I do things. I love my job but right now I dont know what its with me because not even that can make me happy. I feel stressed. I feel sad. I feel empty!

Everybody sees me like the happy girl that laughs a lot. I am. On the outside. I am bleeding on the inside.

I want to be happy but I think I am trying to hard...

Changes

2010-02-02T20:15:00.000+01:00

Wow! What a last couple of weeks. Havent had the strength or the motivation to write at all. Going to try to change that!
I have had some really tough issues in my life. I never thought that life could be rough as it has been. My brother has had some issues and my dad is not doing well. I have made some major changes to my life recently that feels great!

My brothers issues is getting better and he is getting help with it. I love him so much!
My dad has the beginning of Alzheimers and he is getting treatment for it and the other week he fell on the snow and ice and broke two ribs. Poor dad!

As for me. Well....I LOVE my job, I really do... but I havent found myself at home up here in Sundsvall. Its way up north and I have my family about 5-6 hours away. So from May 1st Im going to work at our headquarters in Örebro, which is 1 hour away from friends and family. That feels great! A big move but its a huge and great step in my career! :)
Im gonna miss my coworkers....but this is right for me!

Right now Im home being sick...bored. But that will work out.
I will be happy. One day!

Love,
M

TTUC

2009-12-26T21:41:00.000+01:00

I am joining Kokogirl and the others for the Twitter Trim Up Challenge.

My goals is to loose around 22 pounds/10 kilo and start to exercise on a regulary basis during this. I really need it. My problem is that I have no scale...but Im a size 14 and Im getting to a 16 soon!!! So my goal is to eventually be a 12 and maybe even a 10!

The pic here is from 1-2 year ago. I am 5'9 / 175cm so Im pretty tall so people dont usually think that I am as overweighted as I am.
But I am and its usually not affecting me but I need to think about my health and look better in clothes!

Im really looking forward to this. Its fun that we are several people doing this together!

Love,
M

Twitter

2009-12-26T18:22:00.000+01:00

I wanted my Twitter here to the right...but it doesnt show mine? :( why?

It hurts

2009-12-25T20:47:00.000+01:00

Im on the train on my way back from my parents.
I have mixed feelings about it. It was really nice to surprise my dad but it was a very long trip for a day.
My mom doesnt know how much she can hurt me. And today she hurt me really bad. She said something that Im not even going to write down because its so stupid. I just stopped doing what I was doing and stared at her and left the room. I didnt say a thing. I cant believe that she still until this day surprises me like this.
A couple of minutes after this she calls for me and wants help with her computer. I refused to talk to her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I got really sad about what she said. Her answer: I was just kidding (while laughing).
I told her that I dont joke around about serious stuff like that. My feelings were really hurt.
She continued to laugh. I know she was laughing because she knows that she did wrong and she is so incredibly stubborn and would never admit that she was doing wrong. I got her stubborness but at least I can admit when I am doing wrong and apologize.

But my mom has always been like this. I dont know why Im not used to it by now. I grew up with her gambling away her and dads money and when they were gone she drove off crying telling me that she was going to kill herself! Is that fair of a mom to say to her daughter??
She has hurt me so much through out my life and that has made me a very sensitive person.
I cry a lot. Im very insecure about myself. Why would someone like me?
My favorite quote is:

"Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave? Am I the reason all these things keep happening to me? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone"

I have a huge problem in believing in myself if I dont know that I am really really good at something but even then I can have problems to think that Im actually good at it.
Dont get me wrong, I love my mother! But she has a side that makes me afraid sometimes. I dont want to grow up and be like her. I dont take it as a compliment when someone says Im like her....

Im going to stop now. Its christmas. Im home in an hour. Left my Wii at my parents house so Im going to read my Twillight book. Start work 10:30 tomorrow. Great!

Hope y'all are having a fantastic christmas. You all deserve it!
Love,
M

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T15:46:00.000+01:00

I'm home at my parents apartment now. We are having a great time!
Played Wii until 3am this morning so I'm pretty tired right now.
Having a couple of drinks to wake me up ;-)

We are watching the annual cartoons right now. Love the Santa claus
factory...especially this scene that I took a pic of!

I really hope that everybody is having a great Christmas!!!!

Love,
M

Inventory....yay!

2009-12-22T15:28:00.000+01:00

Im having a little break at work. Im really tired.
Yesterday we had an inventory at work. Everything that could went wrong, went wrong.
First I had to prepare our scanners, its supposed to take an hour, max! It took me 4 hours because they just got stuck in a upgradething all the time :(
I got them ready 30 minutes before the store closed - phew! Lunchtime at 6:30pm ;)

Then the inventory itself went perfect, the guys worked on really great! I let them go home, except for one of them. We started to transfer all our numbers into the computer and one of them was completely erased...after 1,5 hour (!!) on the phone with the support we managed to clear it all up!
So a little bit after 1 am we were on our way home. Then our next problem showed...its around 1 degree Fahrenheit / -20 C outside!!! So our cars were a little...frozen!!! And so were our locks to the building...so that took us another 40 minutes to fix. Gaah! So 2 am I was finally at home! My toes were so cold I thought they were gonna fall off LOL

So when my alarm went off this morning I couldnt manage to get out of bed, almost took me an hour to do that. I have bought a red bull in case of....but I havent had it yet so I think I will be fine!

Tomorrow I have an appointment for lighttreatment for my skin. Its getting better, its still not good but better. Still very uncomfortable to be naked in front of the nurses but its their job I guess. And I will do ANYTHING to get better. I will never get rid of this, it will be with my all my life but it can certainly be better!!
After that Im going home to pack a bag and go home to my parents for a day...coming back on Friday. As I said earlier we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and not on Christmas Day. Dont really know why :)

So, I need to head back out in the store and have fun with our customers. A lot of people are buying Christmas gifts - yay!

Love,
M

Dinner

2009-12-20T15:05:00.000+01:00

Been unproductive the whole day so I started to make some food. A lot of food. Too much food ;-) but at least I have food for later just to heat up!

Now it's time to do some laundry!! Then it's Wii time, haven't even touched it since Friday night lol

Sunday

2009-12-20T10:27:00.000+01:00

It's 10:22 am and I'm still in bed. Going to make a big breakfast,
American of course, and read my Twillight book.
Maybe I will play some Wii since I skipped that the whole day
yesterday?!? I need to play Mario Kart, I need to figure out how I can
hook it up to my wireless Internet so I can race others!!

I woke up from a text that made me smile. I love smiling. And that
someone thinks of me!

Here's my signed pic from my big idol, Bubba Watson. He is the coolest for sending me this!! He said that he will try to win a tourney soon, I can't wait! Good luck and your welcome!

Yay!

2009-12-20T00:20:00.000+01:00

I can blog from my iPhone!! This stuff is amazing!

Need to get to bed now. Start to read, this thing occupied my whole
evening!!!

Good news

2009-12-19T23:14:00.000+01:00

My mom called and told me that they really want me to come home for Christmaseve (we celebrate christmas one day before y'all!) and that she and my brother will pay for the most of the trainticket for me! Yay! That was so sweet of them! Love you guys!!!

I think that I will lay down now and read the Twillight book now that I got from Gabbie!
Hope you all will have a great saturday morning!

Love,
M

I dont know what I am doing.

2009-12-19T20:44:00.001+01:00

Thought that I would start a blog in English and share some thoughts.

I have absolultely no clue what I am doing with my life. I love my job very much. People ask me what Im gonna do with my life, what job do I want. I got a job that I love and it makes me grow every day so my answer is that I have the job I want and then I start to think. Im 30. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? I really dont know.

But when it comes to my social life - it sucks. Im one of the most social girls you can run into but I have no friends here! All my friends live far away, at least 4-6 hours by car. I have lived here for a year, no one and I mean NO ONE has visited me! The only ones that have done that is my mom, one sister and one brother. Thats it. And this is breaking my heart!
Its not that they dont like me but everybody has got their own lives and dont have time to come up here. Thats one of the reasons I get upset when I go "home" when people get upset that I dont call or visit them when Im "home"! I feel torn every time Im there...it almost feel like a relief to go home to my own place and breath. And thats weird because as soon as I am back here I just want to leave and go somewhere else. Somewhere where I can be happy!

I thought that when I was 30 I would have met the love of my life and that I would have kids. I was so wrong! Im so far from that its crazy.
I have a tendancy to be drawn to guys that hurt me. Nice guys have never gotten my attention. The last guy I dated hurt me so bad that I couldnt function in a long while. My mom had to come up here for a week and talk some sense in to me. He got to me really bad. This is when my skincondition started to get worse. I got depressed. I was not the same happy girl as I used to be, as everybody recalls when they think of me. Im still not back to that point. Will I ever be? Its time to change who I am.

The only place I feel safe is on the golfcourse. I know I am good. I know that I can play. And I love it so much. My dream as a little girl was to play on the LPGA tour. I destroyed that dream by being lazy and my mental game is not what it needs to be. I know that I could have the game for it but I realized in time that I couldnt do it. And that Im glad for.

One of my thoughts to come back to the same state of mind as I used to be in, is to move to the US. But that is very difficult! I miss Carrie! I miss Crystal! I miss my friends over there! I miss Carries children! I miss Kahlua and Adam! I miss playing golf everyday and I will always regret that I dropped out of college!! :(

But if I look on the bright side I have someone special that I think of every minute, every day. And he thinks of me too. Someone that brightens up my day and makes me smile. That is what life is all about huh? To smile, love and have fun! I trying to stay positive every day but it is a struggle for me! When people think of me they think that I am a social and happy girl but what they dont know is that Im hurting every day.

Im just a girl that wants to be loved and be happy.

But maybe I am hoping for too much or is it about to change?
I really hope so!!
The last thing that abandons you is hope...

Love,
M