TTUC

I am joining Kokogirl and the others for the Twitter Trim Up Challenge.

My goals is to loose around 22 pounds/10 kilo and start to exercise on a regulary basis during this. I really need it. My problem is that I have no scale...but Im a size 14 and Im getting to a 16 soon!!! So my goal is to eventually be a 12 and maybe even a 10!

The pic here is from 1-2 year ago. I am 5'9 / 175cm so Im pretty tall so people dont usually think that I am as overweighted as I am.
But I am and its usually not affecting me but I need to think about my health and look better in clothes!

Im really looking forward to this. Its fun that we are several people doing this together!

Love,
M

Twitter

I wanted my Twitter here to the right...but it doesnt show mine? :( why?

It hurts

Im on the train on my way back from my parents.
I have mixed feelings about it. It was really nice to surprise my dad but it was a very long trip for a day.
My mom doesnt know how much she can hurt me. And today she hurt me really bad. She said something that Im not even going to write down because its so stupid. I just stopped doing what I was doing and stared at her and left the room. I didnt say a thing. I cant believe that she still until this day surprises me like this.
A couple of minutes after this she calls for me and wants help with her computer. I refused to talk to her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I got really sad about what she said. Her answer: I was just kidding (while laughing).
I told her that I dont joke around about serious stuff like that. My feelings were really hurt.
She continued to laugh. I know she was laughing because she knows that she did wrong and she is so incredibly stubborn and would never admit that she was doing wrong. I got her stubborness but at least I can admit when I am doing wrong and apologize.

But my mom has always been like this. I dont know why Im not used to it by now. I grew up with her gambling away her and dads money and when they were gone she drove off crying telling me that she was going to kill herself! Is that fair of a mom to say to her daughter??
She has hurt me so much through out my life and that has made me a very sensitive person.
I cry a lot. Im very insecure about myself. Why would someone like me?
My favorite quote is:

"Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave? Am I the reason all these things keep happening to me? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone"

I have a huge problem in believing in myself if I dont know that I am really really good at something but even then I can have problems to think that Im actually good at it.
Dont get me wrong, I love my mother! But she has a side that makes me afraid sometimes. I dont want to grow up and be like her. I dont take it as a compliment when someone says Im like her....

Im going to stop now. Its christmas. Im home in an hour. Left my Wii at my parents house so Im going to read my Twillight book. Start work 10:30 tomorrow. Great!

Hope y'all are having a fantastic christmas. You all deserve it!
Love,
M

Merry Christmas

I'm home at my parents apartment now. We are having a great time!
Played Wii until 3am this morning so I'm pretty tired right now.
Having a couple of drinks to wake me up ;-)

We are watching the annual cartoons right now. Love the Santa claus
factory...especially this scene that I took a pic of!

I really hope that everybody is having a great Christmas!!!!

Love,
M

Inventory....yay!

Im having a little break at work. Im really tired.
Yesterday we had an inventory at work. Everything that could went wrong, went wrong.
First I had to prepare our scanners, its supposed to take an hour, max! It took me 4 hours because they just got stuck in a upgradething all the time :(
I got them ready 30 minutes before the store closed - phew! Lunchtime at 6:30pm ;)

Then the inventory itself went perfect, the guys worked on really great! I let them go home, except for one of them. We started to transfer all our numbers into the computer and one of them was completely erased...after 1,5 hour (!!) on the phone with the support we managed to clear it all up!
So a little bit after 1 am we were on our way home. Then our next problem showed...its around 1 degree Fahrenheit / -20 C outside!!! So our cars were a little...frozen!!! And so were our locks to the building...so that took us another 40 minutes to fix. Gaah! So 2 am I was finally at home! My toes were so cold I thought they were gonna fall off LOL

So when my alarm went off this morning I couldnt manage to get out of bed, almost took me an hour to do that. I have bought a red bull in case of....but I havent had it yet so I think I will be fine!

Tomorrow I have an appointment for lighttreatment for my skin. Its getting better, its still not good but better. Still very uncomfortable to be naked in front of the nurses but its their job I guess. And I will do ANYTHING to get better. I will never get rid of this, it will be with my all my life but it can certainly be better!!
After that Im going home to pack a bag and go home to my parents for a day...coming back on Friday. As I said earlier we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and not on Christmas Day. Dont really know why :)

So, I need to head back out in the store and have fun with our customers. A lot of people are buying Christmas gifts - yay!

Love,
M

Dinner

Been unproductive the whole day so I started to make some food. A lot of food. Too much food ;-) but at least I have food for later just to heat up!

Now it's time to do some laundry!! Then it's Wii time, haven't even touched it since Friday night lol

Sunday

It's 10:22 am and I'm still in bed. Going to make a big breakfast,
American of course, and read my Twillight book.
Maybe I will play some Wii since I skipped that the whole day
yesterday?!? I need to play Mario Kart, I need to figure out how I can
hook it up to my wireless Internet so I can race others!!

I woke up from a text that made me smile. I love smiling. And that
someone thinks of me!

Here's my signed pic from my big idol, Bubba Watson. He is the coolest for sending me this!! He said that he will try to win a tourney soon, I can't wait! Good luck and your welcome!

Yay!

I can blog from my iPhone!! This stuff is amazing!

Need to get to bed now. Start to read, this thing occupied my whole
evening!!!

Good news

My mom called and told me that they really want me to come home for Christmaseve (we celebrate christmas one day before y'all!) and that she and my brother will pay for the most of the trainticket for me! Yay! That was so sweet of them! Love you guys!!!

I think that I will lay down now and read the Twillight book now that I got from Gabbie!
Hope you all will have a great saturday morning!

Love,
M

I dont know what I am doing.

Thought that I would start a blog in English and share some thoughts.

I have absolultely no clue what I am doing with my life. I love my job very much. People ask me what Im gonna do with my life, what job do I want. I got a job that I love and it makes me grow every day so my answer is that I have the job I want and then I start to think. Im 30. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? I really dont know.

But when it comes to my social life - it sucks. Im one of the most social girls you can run into but I have no friends here! All my friends live far away, at least 4-6 hours by car. I have lived here for a year, no one and I mean NO ONE has visited me! The only ones that have done that is my mom, one sister and one brother. Thats it. And this is breaking my heart!
Its not that they dont like me but everybody has got their own lives and dont have time to come up here. Thats one of the reasons I get upset when I go "home" when people get upset that I dont call or visit them when Im "home"! I feel torn every time Im there...it almost feel like a relief to go home to my own place and breath. And thats weird because as soon as I am back here I just want to leave and go somewhere else. Somewhere where I can be happy!

I thought that when I was 30 I would have met the love of my life and that I would have kids. I was so wrong! Im so far from that its crazy.
I have a tendancy to be drawn to guys that hurt me. Nice guys have never gotten my attention. The last guy I dated hurt me so bad that I couldnt function in a long while. My mom had to come up here for a week and talk some sense in to me. He got to me really bad. This is when my skincondition started to get worse. I got depressed. I was not the same happy girl as I used to be, as everybody recalls when they think of me. Im still not back to that point. Will I ever be? Its time to change who I am.

The only place I feel safe is on the golfcourse. I know I am good. I know that I can play. And I love it so much. My dream as a little girl was to play on the LPGA tour. I destroyed that dream by being lazy and my mental game is not what it needs to be. I know that I could have the game for it but I realized in time that I couldnt do it. And that Im glad for.

One of my thoughts to come back to the same state of mind as I used to be in, is to move to the US. But that is very difficult! I miss Carrie! I miss Crystal! I miss my friends over there! I miss Carries children! I miss Kahlua and Adam! I miss playing golf everyday and I will always regret that I dropped out of college!! :(

But if I look on the bright side I have someone special that I think of every minute, every day. And he thinks of me too. Someone that brightens up my day and makes me smile. That is what life is all about huh? To smile, love and have fun! I trying to stay positive every day but it is a struggle for me! When people think of me they think that I am a social and happy girl but what they dont know is that Im hurting every day.

Im just a girl that wants to be loved and be happy.

But maybe I am hoping for too much or is it about to change?
I really hope so!!
The last thing that abandons you is hope...

Love,
M