It hurts

Im on the train on my way back from my parents.
I have mixed feelings about it. It was really nice to surprise my dad but it was a very long trip for a day.
My mom doesnt know how much she can hurt me. And today she hurt me really bad. She said something that Im not even going to write down because its so stupid. I just stopped doing what I was doing and stared at her and left the room. I didnt say a thing. I cant believe that she still until this day surprises me like this.
A couple of minutes after this she calls for me and wants help with her computer. I refused to talk to her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I got really sad about what she said. Her answer: I was just kidding (while laughing).
I told her that I dont joke around about serious stuff like that. My feelings were really hurt.
She continued to laugh. I know she was laughing because she knows that she did wrong and she is so incredibly stubborn and would never admit that she was doing wrong. I got her stubborness but at least I can admit when I am doing wrong and apologize.

But my mom has always been like this. I dont know why Im not used to it by now. I grew up with her gambling away her and dads money and when they were gone she drove off crying telling me that she was going to kill herself! Is that fair of a mom to say to her daughter??
She has hurt me so much through out my life and that has made me a very sensitive person.
I cry a lot. Im very insecure about myself. Why would someone like me?
My favorite quote is:

"Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave? Am I the reason all these things keep happening to me? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone"

I have a huge problem in believing in myself if I dont know that I am really really good at something but even then I can have problems to think that Im actually good at it.
Dont get me wrong, I love my mother! But she has a side that makes me afraid sometimes. I dont want to grow up and be like her. I dont take it as a compliment when someone says Im like her....

Im going to stop now. Its christmas. Im home in an hour. Left my Wii at my parents house so Im going to read my Twillight book. Start work 10:30 tomorrow. Great!

Hope y'all are having a fantastic christmas. You all deserve it!
Love,
M