I need help....

I really suck at this blogthing...but today I felt like that I maybe should write something so I can get some stuff out. Maybe its way too personal but I feel like I need to get it off my chest!

Some of you may know that I have been dealing with some stuff and that I have been feeling down for a really long time now. I have come to realize that I may not be able to handle this all by myself anymore. I have come to the point that I am starting to ask questions that you should not ask yourself!

Why am I getting out of bed in the morning?
Why am I working and making money when I spend it on only myself?
Why do I clean my apartment when there is only me who is gonna see it?
Why do all sorts of crap? What is the point? What is the point with my life?

I want to make sure that I am not thinking about ending anything but I have come to realize that I need to go and talk to someone. I need help. I want to be thinking more positive thoughts.
I have good days but that is pretty much it as for now. I do not like myself at all like this. Sad, grumpy and irritated at everything. I used to be happy!

I always think that when somethings happen to me its gonna be the worst outcome possible. Noone can like me. Or did someone say something nice to me just to be nice? I really hate being this negative about myself. Why can't I like myself? Love myself?
I thank god for my friends on Twitter. I have no clue how I would feel right now if it werent for them. They often make me smile and forget for a little while how much my real life really sucks.

I have a lot of acquaintances and friends - way more that a lot of people have. But I do not have anyone really really close to me, I honestly think that I have never had a single person in my life that I can trust with everything. Maybe my sister Ingela, she knows me pretty well and supports me but she has her own life to take care of and I do not want to put my problems on her all the time. Of course I have friends that I could talk to about this but I do not want to be a burden to anyone. I talk a lot as it is.

About a month ago I started to talk to a guy on Twitter that I really opened up to and told things that not a single soul knows about me. I am still surprised that I did that. Cause I thought that I had closed the doors pretty good. Maybe it is a sign that I feel comfortable talking to him? And that a beautiful friendship is about to begin? I really hope so.

So as soon as I can manage to call the doctor I will. It is a very hard step to take but at least I have come to realize that I need someone to help me to get out of this. I want to be happy for more that a day at a time. I want to be excited to see what life will bring me today. And tomorrow.

Love,
M